You'll always be my favorite "what if"...

This is difficult to write. I want to make an impact... Maybe I can help someone else who has already gone through this or is going to eventually go through what I've just had to go through. Miscarriages are actually very common and it is an absolutely horrible thing to have to go through. I've learned that 1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage. That's 25%. This is my story... I'm no writer but I hope that through God I can get my feelings out in this blog post.

A few months ago I was watching the news and started feeling very uneasy. I couldn't believe all of the things going wrong around the world. I called my mom and told her how I had a strong desire to have a family one day but I was so scared to bring another life into this crazy world. Her advice for me was to pray about it & so I did... I remember crying and asking God to let me know when the time was right or if it was even right to bring an innocent life into such an evil world.

A few weeks later I got my answer. I remember taking a pregnancy test and staring at it for a minute. I watched one line pop up so I just set it on the counter and forgot about it. An hour later I went back to my bathroom to do some laundry and I glanced at the test and there it was... TWO LINES!!! At that moment my whole world was rocked. I was overcome with so many emotions! I felt nervous, happy, excited, but most of all I was already overflowing with deep love for the lil miracle growing inside of me. I felt so special that God chose ME to be a mom, that he trusted me to bring another life into the world and that he trusted ME to guide them to him. At that very moment my life changed & I couldn't have been any happier.

That night I surprised my husband with the news. I put together a big cardboard box full of pink and blue balloons with a note that read "Hi Daddy! I can't wait to meet you!". I had never seen Deric that way... His eyes welled up with tears of happiness and he was SO excited. In that moment he had a new found love for me and for the new miracle that was on it's way. We were SO excited for the journey ahead!

As days went by we suprised our families with the boxes of ballooons & there were lots of happy tears, celebration, & excitement. Life felt right. Things were just falling into place perfectly. I found out that one of my best friends was expecting as well and she was only 2 1/2 weeks ahead of me, we found a 3 bedroom house to rent for an amazing price and it was right up the road from my family. There were just so many amazing things working out in our favor!!!

Deric would come home every night after work and kiss my tummy and he would fall asleep with his hand on my stomach. The love between us was different. It was a whole new level of love. Like I said, we couldn't have been any happier!

A few weeks went by and everything seemed normal with my pregnancy, or so I thought. One day I went to use the rest room and noticed a tinge of dark brown blood. I remember reading that spotting brown blood was usually normal during pregnancy so I tried not to worry. I eventually called the nurse at my OBGYN just to make sure. She asked me a few questions and then reassured me that everything seemed normal and to call her if the blood turns to bright red and if I had any cramping. By the evening I had even more dark brown blood appear. I felt VERY uneasy that night and when I woke up that uneasy feeling was still there. Something didn't feel right. I got up to use the rest room and felt something... I had passed a rather large blood clot and began bleeding lots of bright red blood. Immediately my heart began to race. I already had the horrible feelings of grief and heart break. I ran out of the bathroom in a flood of tears & frantically woke my husband up. He, being the optimist that he is, tried calming me down and telling me that I was over reacting. He didn't know that when I found out that I was pregnant I spent many days researching all kinds of pregnancy related topics so I knew that this was most likely a sign of a miscarriage.

For some time Deric held me while I cried and I finally told him to go ahead and go to work & that I'd call him once I spoke to my doctor. FINALLY when my OBGYN office opened I called and spoke with the nurse. She was so kind to squeeze me in so I could get this all figured out. Deric & I got there and I just kept praying that everything was alright and that we would see our baby up on the screen but sadly when she turned the screen towards us all we could see was a sac. There was no baby in that sac & by six weeks you should PROBABLY see a fetal pole or atleast a yolk sac but there was nothing but the gestational sac. She sent me to get blood work and told me to come back 2 days later for another round of blood work to see if my levels had dropped and that would tell us for sure if I had lost the baby. It was one of the worst feelings I had ever felt...My whole world felt like it was crashing down & I still didn't have a definite answer. I left the doctors office and continued to bleed heavily for 6 days.

Those 6 days felt like an eternity and a lot happened in those 6 days. I spent three of those days questioning God. Asking him why he made everything seem so perfect only for him to rip it all away from me. I was angry. I also kept thinking about my best friend who was also pregnant. I couldn't imagine how hard it was going to be watching her continue her pregnancy while I had just lost mine. On monday I would be getting my blood work back showing that I miscarried and she'd be going to get her first ultrasound. How would I be strong enough to still be there for her and still celebrate her happiness? I was angry at Deric. We were dealing with the grief in two totally different ways. He seemed distant at first, not knowing how to fix my broken heart and I was anything but nice to him because I was so mad hat he didn't know how to help me and that he didn't understand the feelings I was feeling. He pretty much just buried himself into his work because I was being so negative towards him. He was still holding on... He was so optimistic that he thought there was a way I could still be carrying our baby. I, on the other hand, knew already that I had miscarried and I was ready to grieve and try to move on from this. In about 3 of those short days I let the enemy win. He had me right where he wanted me. I got into such a dark place that I was questioning God, wanting to close myself off to one of the best friendships I've ever had, & there was a huge wedge between Deric & I. In just 3 days I felt so far away from who I was just a few days ago and I also felt so incredibly distant from my husband. Like I said, those days felt like months. I had few moments of clarity where I could tell myself that I would be okay and that I needed to trust God but for the most part I would let all of my feelings of hurt, greif, confusion, and anger take over.

Luckily, though all of this, I had an amazing support system. My husband, family, & friends have done so much for me during this time, words could never express my gratitude. I ended up finally sucking up my frustration towards Deric and we went and got dinner together one night. Before we left we talked about everything and told eachother how both of us were feeling and I think we were both shocked at what we had to say. We were so caught up in the craziness and the sadness of the situation that we forgot to listen & understand each other. We cried together and decided that for the rest of the evening we would focus on happier things. It felt so good to finally open up to him and to let him open up to me. That night totally transformed our marriage. Again, just like when we found out we were pregnant, our love for each other changed. This was such a deep level of love that I had never felt before. We were going through something that was breaking our heart but we decided to use it to get closer to one another and to fall in love with each other more than we ever had. We could have let this totally tear us apart because of our feelings and how we were coping but decided to get through it together and it was such an amazing experience. Through that heart ache I saw my husband in a way I had never seen him before and I loved him more than ever.

My mom and I had so many long talks during those days and she really helped me see how I could use this for the greater good. We talked about God a lot. We talked about how this was an opportunity for me to grow in my faith and to lean on him for understanding. I needed to trust him. I trusted him when I found out that I was pregnant so how could I not trust him now? I've always trusted him with any event in my life so why now did I feel the need not to trust him? He never said my life would be easy, but he did say he'd be there through the storm. I acutally felt guilty for how I had been feeling the past few days because after countless conversations with my mom I was really starting to see the beautiful things coming out of all the heart ache. I began spending a lot of time in prayer and singing worship music in my car and at home when I was alone. It was amazing how God changed my heart in about 2 days. I went to church on sunday and the message was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. God was speaking straight to me. WOW! all I can say is WOW!

When i got home sunday I started journaling and wrote down the positives coming out of this sad season of my life.

1. I feel closer to God than I ever have. I couldn't have gotten through this without putting my turst in him and lifting up my broken heart to him! The comfort I've felt since I've put my turst back into him is something that I can't explain. it's amazing. He took my heart ache and turned it into a story I can tell to show off how truly amazing his grace is.

2. God gave us an angel. This baby had a purpose and he/she lived out that purpose, just not here on earth. We wont ever get to hold that baby in our arms but I am so thankful that God made us mommy & daddy to a perfect little angel.

3. The love & respect I have for my husband has grown immensely. After going through this I know that we can get through anything together. We are a team. This also has made our desire to start a family grow and we kow that when the time is right, it'll happen.

3. For the first time in my life I have friendships that are the kind of friendshipes I've always prayed for. God prepared me for this by bringing a few ladies into my life recently that have walked me through this difficult time & have held my hand through it all. And one of them is the friend I was talking about a few paragraphs up. I could have let this tear our friendship up because of my bitterness and hurt but through this her and I are even closer than we were before and I can't thank God enough for her and the other ladies in my life.

4. This is my 2nd chance to get this right. Before Deric & I try again to expand our family I need to focus on my health and on getting myself into shape. It's so important to bring a baby into a healthy lifestyle.

5. I have more time for Deric and I. In the next month we're taking a vacation and this will be our last vacation as a married couple before we try to start a family again. We have a lil bit more extra time to spend alone, because I know everything changes when you start a family and we can spend this time securing our relationship.

When I finally got my results back and was told that I did in fact miscarry I was prepared. I had already decided that I wanted to be powerful! I didn't want to handle this being weak and hurt so I handled it was grace and understanding that it was all in God's hands. I just needed to trust. Today, as I'm writing this, I'm wiping tears from my eyes. My heart isn't fulled healed just yet. I dont think it will ever be together again because a piece of it is heaven. BUT THATS OK. I still have a long road ahead of me but my hope is to use this to further God's kingdom. To show that even in the lowest valleys of life that there is good and that your faith can be restored if you just give it to God. I'm so thankful for him & for Jesus dying on the cross so that I can have this type of access to him. I'm thankful for my husband, my family, all of the friends that have been there from the day I found out I was pregnant to now. You all have changed my life in the greatest way possible and have showed me an unmeasurable amount of love. THANK YOU!!!!!